So we checked the fuel pump line with the multimeter and it looks like that thing was only getting about 5 volts. That brought us into the world of wiring and involved taking out EVERY GROUND WIRE WE COULD FIND in the engine bay and scrubbing the contact point with a wire brush. After that came to no avail, we took out the passenger seat and lifted the carpet to reveal, what I'm assuming, was the ground wire for the fuel pump on the bar directly under the passenger seat. After cleaning that, we started the car up with no problem!
At first I couldn't believe I heard a running engine, and then I was just befuddled by wiring. The contact points under the seat were super clean, and nothing seemed wrong. Why in the hell would cleaning that have made the difference?