Now first off, I now everyone is assuming that this is the typical: "My parking lights won't go off," and that the answer is to flip the switch on top of the steering column. Obviously, this isn't the case. I've tried flipping the switch and the lights still won't go off. My battery has been drained and the car, after having been jumped, is now sitting in the Goodyear lot. I asked the Goodyear man to just disconnect the fuse to the parking lights, but does anyone know why the lights won't go off?

My guess is that the switch on top of the column is bad. See if the lights turn off by pulling the tail light relay located below the dash fuse panel. If they do go out then the trouble is with the light switch on the stalk. If they stay on then the switch on top of the column is most likely the trouble since that switch bypasses the relay.